Posted In Commitment & Engagement | 5 comments
Connection with opposites in relationships is a tricky thing.
Everyone always says that “opposites attract” and in many cases, this is very true. However opposites in relationships, doesn’t necessarily mean that it makes for a good long-term relationship.
In fact, sometimes the very things that are so different between you and that may have initially attracted you to someone, often wind up being the very things that come between you at a later stage in your relationship.
Sort of a catch-22 when it comes to personalities and relationships right?It’s almost like as humans, we’re sort of hard-wired to admire traits in our partners that we don’t see in ourselves.
And then we mistakenly think that dating someone that is so exciting and so different from us is the path to true love. I mean, if it’s this exciting, it must be true love. Right?
Sorry, but not always.
Often excitement and attraction are mistaken for love when it’s really just infatuation.
But when life gets down to the nitty gritty and that initial spark fizzles somewhat… you wind up just left with all the things that are different between you.
And without that spark and fire that initially made all those differences seem like the best thing since sliced bread… well, you can see where I’m going with this one.
Suddenly those differences that made things seem so amazing before just become issues that stand between you and get in the way of lasting happiness.
Do Opposites Attract And Last… Or Should You Give It Up and Date a Twinkie?OK… I don’t really mean date a Twinkie. Eat one maybe, they’re very good!
But you know that little saying, when you hang with someone very similar to yourself and everyone around you says “They’re like Twinkies” or “They’re so cute, they’re like two peas in a pod”?
That’s what I mean by date a Twinkie.
And listen… don’t blow off this relationship marriage advice prematurely. Dating someone that could be the male version of you is not necessarily a bad thing.
In Girl Gets Ring I discuss this briefly. I call it dating someone with parallel passions and interests.
Most especially when you are dating a man you are hoping will be a part of your long-term future, similar passions and interests are definitely a plus in your relationship verses opposites in marriage.
That’s because the longer a relationship lasts, the more time there is to fill up between you.
From that perspective, finding a mate that enjoys doing the things you yourself enjoy doing just makes sense.
When you and your mate share similar passions, it makes filling that time between you so much easier. Let’s take a look at the benefits of sharing long-term interests…
Why Maintaining Common Interests In Marriage Is So Important:- If you’re a movie fanatic and your future hubby is a movie fanatic then you know that you will always have new movies to see together and to maybe spark a bit of healthy debate.
- If you’re a word nerd and love to read and explore new books and your boyfriend also loves getting lost in a good book… there are so many books in the world to share with each other.
- If you love the outdoors and things like camping or horseback riding, and you date a man that also enjoys the outdoors, there are so many things you can find to do together that you will both see as fun.
Enjoying similar interests doesn’t mean that you and your mate are exactly the same and therefore your lives will be boring together.
Having similar interests with someone doesn’t mean you can’t still experience excitement or share a love of the unknown.
Think of it like this- perhaps you both love the outdoors, but in different ways.
You love camping and horseback riding and your man loves things like water skiing and riding dirt bikes.
However, you both love being active and outdoors (the common thread)… you just love it in different ways.
Those different ways mean that you both have new activities that you can introduce each other to- activities that appeal to each of you because of that common thread (i.e. being active and outdoors)between them.
That makes for a great connection that can literally last a lifetime. You know that old saying… the couple that plays together stays together?
Those aren’t just empty words.
In fact there may be no truer words ever spoken.
Sharing a life with a man that shares similar passions, similar values, and similar tastes as you just makes living that life together easier.
Not many relationships can survive constant opposition, at least not for long.
Dating someone who is the polar opposite of you may seem exciting at first, but when that excitement wanes, what do you have left?
Is it something you can build a life together on? Build a marriage on?
Those are questions you might want to ask yourself before getting too deeply involved with someone you know in your heart isn’t a perfect match. So, over to you…
Are Opposites In Marriage And Relationships Good, Bad or UGLY For Long-Term?Have you dated someone you thought was perfect at first due to the initial attraction, but then found out later you were just too different? You couldn’t make it work? Please share your story in the comments below.
Tags: common interests in marriage, do opposites attract and last, opposites attract and marriage, opposites attract relationships, opposites in relationships, opposites marriage, personalities and relationships
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Shelby
5 years agoMy boyfriend and I don’t have ANYTHING in common; we are completely opposite in every way. That is why I read this article. To me it comes off as sound and logical advice, but alas, I am not a logical person: I’m a woman. (j/k) We love each other very much and have been together for a little over two years now. I love it when he participates in things I enjoy and vice-versa. As for marriage…… that is still up in the air. We don’t know yet. I don’t know if we should just be friends and give up the dating relationship to free each other up for pursuing other relationships, or try to work it out between us and hold on and look towards marriage. This is the crossroads we both have come to. Any comments?
Galina
5 years agoAs to higher purpose of relationship – we mate to evolve. To become holy. To realize that we are one.. That world is a mirror. We came from reality of oneness -paradise home to go back . We do it through relationship. True love -is final relationship in countless thousands of lives with whom you meet-up with. I just finished one. It helped me to exit my idealistic perception of reality. I entered relationship without seeing myself as hole and after 5 years of agony with what I should call psychopathic commitment to this immature playboy but so'so very attractive shadow self.
Everyone has a personality. So opposite personality is your opposite. It attracts. Perfect ideal man for you -is your shadow and through him you can be saved, liberated, exit idealistic perception of the world. From “me and the world” you go to “I am the world”. It can be done as shortcut to heaven only with opposite.. Why? I say we attracted to each other to learn a lesson. What is a lesson.? A lesson is to level our personality. To discover who we really are.
Though not many people on earth understand and talk about it as to understand what I am talking about require inquiry and realization.
Opposite attract to level personality. By fighting they become each other. What you fight you become. It is a goal. When you become your partner -literally acquire his personality traits you compleat. . And if he is your perfect ideal man -you attained your holiness,, enlightenment, final liberation, ascended.
That why it doesn’t matter whether you married or not -you do a job you learn your lesson. Many don’t see a lesson so they never learn. Goal is not marriage. Goal is to become “we as one” .
Sufferings which couple encounter in opposite attract relationships meant to catapult you to a view that. We are one hole. That all this time you was fighting with yourself. And then realization come “there is no one but me in the world” . Transcendence. New level of consciousness attained through fight of opposites. When fight is deadly, when pain is unbearable, when man and woman fight till death – literally ” till death” till death of ego. When they fight -they kill each other, but kill each others egos as who can kill immortal soul.? When ego killed, pain seas to exist. You are free.
True love. Is what happened after death of ego. Eternal peace and eternal love arrive. Immortality.
Not many people I think on earth understand that. Domestic violence between passionately attracted is a fight for immortality. If only they could understand it. Most passionate opposites attracted love affair lead to total loss of wealth, families , of everything. Nothing left from life lovers had. Total transformation. New level of vision and consciousness attained.
Opposites in marriage and relationships not only good – it a must. As in fight of opposites -the deadlier the more painfully the better- Divine Truth is born. When Truth was born -lesson lured-purpose fulfilled. They can leave in peace now. They got result -peace. Peace come when you discover that person you was fighting with is your mirror and no point in blaming a mirror if your face is ugly. As no one but you in the world. It is Divine Truth that can be discovered in fight till death of opposites. How beautiful!
And I will give you another tip – this opposite – is your parent you rejected as a kid. parent may be dead and berried but. Energy of parent you rejected and judged as bad with you always. As lesson you came here to learn is in family. Him her you will merry or be passionately attracted to. It took me 5 years of agony to see mother in my partner. It is difficult to see. Must purify vision through suffering for a long time. And then you allowed to enter gates of heaven.
I wish all opposite to fight to gates to heaven. When you see yourself in him – you entered.
And those who run away from opposite attract and seek easy way out by merry for convenience, for money, because we have common interests -well it won’t help you. You waist your life. I can only feel compassion for you as you are on a wrong truck. It won’t serve a purpose. And will get you nowhere you really want to go. You won’t reach heaven with this one. Easy, no pain no gain, sorry.
Michelle
5 years ago@ Shelby, well, its sounds to me like the 2 year itch. Sometimes it’s good to take a break, step back and view your options. I’m not saying this is what you should do… I just think a little bit of absence can either make the heart grow fonder, or, open up a whole new world of opportunities…. what ever you decide, best of luck.
MJ
4 years agoGreat article and it makes perfect sense to me. I think there should be a balance – there are certain things a couple should have in common and certain things they shouldn’t. Each woman needs to decide for herself what similarities and differences she is looking for in a man.
Lindsey Fitzgerald
4 years agoYou can love the wrong person and you can be sincere in saying that you love them while realizing that it is a mistake. I know of a couple right now who have been married for 17 years, they have a teenager and are getting divorced because it is just not feasible to stay together. I heard the wife say recently that it is really a shame because he is a perfectly nice man who will make someone a wonderful husband but not her.
Posted In Attract Him, Where to Meet Him | 15 comments
There are good men to be found the world over despite popular claims to the contrary.
Just think how much the world’s population has increased since the stone ages!
Sheer numbers mean there’s an almost limitless pool of men that are not only good men, but strong, honest, loyal and loving men. (Not to brag, but I happen to be one of them.)
It becomes even easier to find those men when you learn how to get really clear about what you do and don’t want in a mate.
We’re big on that in Girl Gets Ring.
Once you know what you do and don’t want, you’ve got a better idea of just where to go when looking for Mr Right.
But are good men really only ever found at places like church or your Aunt Norma’s Sunday potluck?
And are the men found at bars or nightclubs really only out for one thing?
Not necessarily.
Just like wearing a football jersey doesn’t make a guy a football player… going to church doesn’t make him a “good man”.
Unfortunately plenty of hypocritical jerks attend church as well.
And even if he is a good man, it doesn’t mean he’s Mr. Right for you. (But you knew that already didn’t you?)
By the same token, just because you met a man at a bar doesn’t mean he should automatically be relegated to fling status. Not all men that frequent the local hot spots are just looking for a roll in the hay.
The problem is not that there are no good men to be found, it’s that your idea of a good man is influenced by the ideals of the world around you, instead of your own.
These ideals say your man must be perfect or he’s not the man for you.
So What’s a Self-Respecting Woman Looking For Love to Do?Stop chasing perfection!
Recognize that men are only human, just like you. While standards are certainly a good thing, impossibly high standards only serve to derail your path to love.
Open yourself up to possibilities.
It’s definitely essential to be clear on the do or die qualities you want in a guy, but you also need to be careful you don’t wrongly make assumptions about a man based on petty things such as where you happened to meet.
And when looking for Mr. Right, remember this:Don’t rule out a guy and his potential because of a single flaw, when everything else about him makes your knees weak.
Let go of all preconceived notions you’ve been ingrained with about finding Mr. Right (because he doesn’t exist) and open yourself up to meeting Mr. Almost Right, wherever he may be found.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my life, it’s that chasing perfection in any endeavor is a no-win situation. There is no person or a thing on this planet that could ever be dubbed “perfect”. It’s simply an unattainable goal and even self-sabotaging in some cases.
Instead of accepting a really good man as he is, flaws and all, it becomes a case of the woman trying to change the man to fit into her idealized version of “Mr. Right”.
Before they know it there’s resentment, anger, and confusion between them that throws them into an emotional quagmire of muck. The happily ever after they were hoping for becomes not so happy after all.
Figure out your must-haves in a man and then let the Universe do the heavy lifting; allow the rest of the chips to fall where they may.
Looking For Mr. Right? It Starts With YOU!Chasing perfection can become almost a habit.
To keep yourself from falling into the trap of endlessly searching for the unattainable stop focusing so much on that perfect man you want to find and switch your focus to yourself.
Live your life, explore your passions, and live it up doing the things you love to do all on your own. In looking for love, this is extremely important…
…what attracts men most is a woman with a strong passion for living. That passion for living spills over into every aspect of her life and literally lights her up in a way that’s downright irresistible.
What happens when you do that is you then become a magnet for men that share your passions. Men that love the same things you love and want to experience the same adventures you want to experience.
And when you find a man that shares your passions and wants to share your adventures, you’re well on your way to finding the guy that’s perfect for you, regardless of his flaws.
The reality is that most relationships that become strong and lasting marriages are made between two people that were willing to work at being great.
Two people that realized there is no perfection on this plane of life.
Almost Mr Right was just that… almost right.
Over to you.
Do you strive for perfection in your life? Does your habit in seeking perfection spill over into your search when looking for love? Has a relationship been derailed because you couldn’t accept your man without trying to change him? Please share your story in the comments below!
Tags: find mr right, finding mr right, how to find mr right, looking for love, looking for mr right, mr right, what attracts men
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Tina
5 years agoYou are absolutly right ! That is exactly how to find the right guy. That is the best advice I have heard. Thats also is the same as living your life . Not what you think someone wants you to be.
ThanksTina M Smith
Ms Almost Right
5 years agoMr Right can be wrong, that is why he can be Mr Almost Right! I get it!
Sajan
5 years agoAwesome..Awesome. Actually one of the best articles in this cateogory. Especially “The reality is that most relationships that become strong and lasting marriages are made between two people that were willing to work at being great” hats off.
heart
5 years agoright! thank you!!!
ANN
5 years agoBest advice ever..thnx alot.
lea
5 years agohow do you know if your just fling, what are the signs?
Michelle
5 years agoGreat advice, a lot of people are hung up on finding perfection from the get go.
Ciku
4 years agoThank you. All i needed.
Isabelle
4 years agoWell, I met Mr Right a d completely screwed it up. He was amazing in every way….except for the ambiguity week after out first weekend getaway which resulted in our first intimate encounter – which was champagne induced to say the least. He freaked out and withdrew…although keeping texts to a bare minimum, he never called nor was he as warm and close to me as beforehand. I kept asking for him to just call me….and he held congress with his twin brother, who was his adviser in everything personal. He didn’t call on valentines day…the day after the encounter. He didn’t call for a week and when the weekend rolled around he texted that he had a stomach bug. On the date he presented me with a custom inscribed frame of our first letters saying “our first memory” and that he was falling in love with me. The no contact except for brief texts pissed me off so much I flipped out and assumed the worst…the awkward avoidance was “oh no I think I just got played” and blasted him with my hurt in an insulting email accusing him of treating me like an escort.
He replies in shock in an email to state that he divorced his wife in less than a year by ambush because of her temper and did not want to see me again because of my reaction.
I apologized and we tried but to no avail as he then decided not to be exclusive with me but didn’t tell me until after we were together again. So, maybe he wasn’t mr right after all but he hurt me by saying his feelings had not diminished, rather the opposite but my actions killed any chance of us being a good match. He said he didn’t call because he got scared.
…and now I can’t get over it a d I’m really angry he dragged me through the humiliation of trying to get back together when all along he might not have been available on valentines day or on the weekend because he was seeing others . I will never know. His brother did the do not call him anymore email to me. What a wretched way to end what was a grand start.
Was I played?
So…now, here I sit thinking this guy was in love and marriage minded but because he refused to follow through like a gentleman should do on valentines day and after the first intimacy, he got me so angry paranoid and reactionary, it was apparently all my fault that he went looking for the perfect wife in someone else. Owch
Sandra
4 years agoIsabelle,
Trust your instincts – he DID withdraw. Now, your reaction may not have helped the situation, but ultimately if he really cared for you, he would realize that he hurt you and at least have compassion for that, even if you are in the wrong.Move on from this guy; you will find a more fulfilling relationship.
S.
Marcy Aldridge
4 years agoI totally agree with this. How many couples end up getting married, and on the first date, they didn’t feel the spark. Weren’t even attracted to each other. But they had a few things in common, so they reluctantly had the second date. Then found out that they actually liked the person. Or thought that they would be worth pursing more. Looking for Mr. Perfection does not work. I’m divorced myself and all these people on these dating sites are zapping people off because they don’t look perfect to them. God knows, we’re definitely not perfect!!
I think the best thing to do is take a class, or join a club, something that you, yourself, enjoy and there may be a member of the opposite sex there, that right off the bat, you have something in common. See if you could become friends with them, first. BEFORE thinking of anything further. Great friendships grow great relationships. And find someone you can laugh with, and who doesn’t take life so serious.
I find people mellow with age and don’t sweat the small stuff. So true. So relax, take it easy and see if you can meet “friends” along the way. One’s that you’re not eyeing them as a potential “husband.” Men don’t look at women as wives when they first meet them. They just happen to think they want to talk to you and take it from there. Women stop trying so hard and just go with the flow!!
janet
4 years agoI’ve had a wall in front of me my first 29 years.
Becuz I was concerned about my past(alcoholic egotistical parent; traumatic head injury;epilepsy; druggy egotistical step-dad; including 3 rapes; effecting my decisions on partnership for life. I also am methodical. Does that make any sense?? I had low self-esteeem too.
Tanya
3 years agoI love Mr Almost right next to me.I like his flaws, it makes him real. Lets have fun
Debbie
2 years agoYes I was married for 20 yrs he was an recovering alcoholic that fell off the wagon. Made me and my children very sad many more times than I’d like to mention, I thought by being a good person he would eventually follow suit, it wasn’t in him to do so. But yes I agree don’t go into any relationship thinking your going to change him, love him for who he is!!
mokgatsana
2 years agoI’m looking for mr right but sometime I’m so quite doesn’t know what to say most of the time thinking maybe I might be hurry on things
Posted In Commitment & Engagement | 15 comments
I’m sure you’ve heard that old saying “When you assume, you make an A%$ out of both U and ME”.
It’s an oldie but still a goodies.
And it’s certainly extremely accurate. It’s never a good idea to assume anything in life, because there’s nothing in it that is guaranteed.
You only set yourself up for a rude awakening, 9 times out of 10.
Advice on Dating…But especially when you are dating a man, it’s important not to just assume you are an exclusive couple. When you assume that, it’s a quick road to heart break if your guy doesn’t feel the same way.
Dating someone new can be a giddy time, with both of you caught up in the romance, the physical attraction, the fun.
But men and women are wired differently and men can often be slower to commit to an exclusive relationship for a variety of reasons.
Maybe there are triggers that are turning that old heart light from green to yellow or red. (We talk about the meaning of the heart light and the “Magic Traffic Signals” to get him to commit here.)
Or maybe he’s just not the exclusive type and likes being free to date other women.
Does he want to be exclusive?Heck, he could even be giving you all the signs in the world he’s not ready to be exclusive and you could just miss them altogether… it’s human nature to see only the things we want to see and ignore anything to the contrary.
Relational blindness seems to be a human foible that can definitely make life interesting!
Even if you feel like things are amazing, that you’re both at one with each other, and that you’re made for marriage and forever… not taking a moment to breathe, clarify where you both stand, and make sure it’s where you both want to be is just a bad idea.
There is absolutely nothing worse than skipping the “exclusive” talk altogether, relying on reading your man’s signals, and then getting it totally wrong.
Maybe his signals were mixed, maybe he’s confused… relying on those signals and then reading them inaccurately only makes you feel like you were cuckolded, or led on, even if that was never his intention.
Then comes the bad blood and hurt feelings between you both and any hope of salvaging even a friendship (should that be something that is important to you) is out the window.
Want to Be Exclusive? Initiate the Talk!It’s important. Don’t skip it.
Talking about where you stand in a relationship can be scary and feel uncomfortable. But think how much more uncomfy it will feel if you assume you’re both exclusive and then call him up one day to hang out, and he’s busy with another woman.
Or maybe you show up at his house, thinking it’s cool, that’s just what you do… and he’s entertaining someone else. That will feel even more awkward. Not to mention painful.
So take stock of where you both are and the signals you are getting, and then choose a good time to just ask him.
Tips on how to become exclusive in your relationship:- Ask him how he feels about you.
- Ask him if he’s dating anyone else.
- Ask him if he is ready to be exclusive.
- Or maybe keep it low-key and just ask him what he tells his friends about you.
What he tells his friends about you can speak volumes as to how he really feels about you.
When a man is telling all his friends how awesome you are, how he wants to spend all his time with you, and how you’re pretty much the best thing since sliced bread… he’s probably not interested in other women.
Or you can crack a joke and take some pressure off. Crack a joke and ask him how many numbers he got at the bar with his buddy’s the other night… or how many girlfriends he’s got on his roster.
His response to jokes can tell you a great deal as well and it can be an easy transition into the exclusivity conversation.
How Do You Know When To Bring Up Being Exclusive?Knowing when is probably the easier part of the equation. When you know you can call your guy up at any time of the day or night, and he will be happy to hear from you.
When you both call each other just because, to say you’re thinking of each other, or to say goodnight at the end of the day. When you’ve talked about meeting the parents or even better… met the parents!
There are exclusive dating signs there if you look for them that give you clues as to where you’re going. While you never want to assume you are reading all those signs correctly, if you are definitely seeing them… it’s time to validate them or negate them by being honest and just asking.
The worst that can happen is he’s not ready to be exclusive. Then the ball is in your court to either decide to wait and see what happens or move on to a man that is ready to commit to you and make you number one in his life.
You don’t deserve anything less.
Over to You: Have you made the mistake of assuming something about your relationships in the past? How did that work out for you? I’d love to hear your story in the comments below.
Tags: advice on dating, become exclusive, being exclusive, does he want to be exclusive, exclusive relationship, get him to commit, want to be exclusive
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Sajan
5 years agoAwesome…I’ve read many articles about this topic but I must say the above post is really mind blowing and very very informative
michelle
5 years agoI recently met a guy at a family friends annual birthday BBQ…he’s from out of town. He was attracted to me more than I was attracted to him at that time. To be nice we exchanged numbers and he followed up called me we established a friendship long distance decided to go away for 3 days had a great time. I found myself developing a physical attraction to him ..the intimacy was good the sex was average but we remained friends by email , text and phone calls. Then a few months after I found myself really questioning how I felt about him and wanted to know if he felt the same…so I assumed that we were not exclusive… and he got OFFENDED and had a texting argument over it and he hasn’t returned my call, text, or emails?
Ms Almost Right
5 years agoHad a 10yr LDR (mainly weekends with some fishing escapades thrown in, etc.) which I ended abruptly when I accidentally ‘sprung’ the liar & cheat, in bed with another woman, one evening mid-week ! So much for the ‘exclusivity’ talk we had had…! This shocking experience devastated me for nearly a year…I even lost a couple of jobs because of my lack of concentration and/or purpose to immerse myself fully, at the time. Twenty years later, I discover that this Mr Not-So-Right is still single and ‘flinging’ about but without her or me! He is now in his late 50’s and finds it humorous, to say the least, that his mates now consider him ‘a dirty old man’. Personally, I think its all rather sad as he had the potential to be a Mr Almost Right, if not with me, then at least with a local woman. What does one make out of this type of behavior?
Nicole
5 years agohi, my relationship with my guy is moving forward and we have a beautiful daughter, she’s eight now. Our relationship has taken a lot of in and outs but he still comes back to me and I am grateful that my guy is forgiving and a traditional man. I believe that this is no joke and I thank God for this since 2002 when we met. He is not into any other women and we have had time over the years to work out our differences, sometimes we fought and people become upset and judgmental. He came back to me for my kids and our one daughter. I have just had the talk with him sorta speak and he came back. As for our situation right now we just have to give each-other space and he is the parental role model for our daughter right now. I see him as a good model for our child and I know this can be an emotional time for me to not know how he really feels but his actions prove that things in our relationship are moving in the right direction.
p lexy
5 years agoI dated a guy for close to eight months,did not really understand where the relationship was heading to. At several occasions I summoned courage to broach the subject but always lost it at the last minute. Finally the relationship picked up and I tot we were heading somewhere until one night when I came to his house unannounced and found him with another girl. I walked out of the relationship after that but the problem is that I still care about him even if I don’t want to. Thanks for your mails I just hope it will work for me too and I will have a reason to say thanks
Faye
5 years agoYes i have made a mistake in the past and it is a relationship blower. I feel that a man has to show a woman that he is exclusive because talk is just talk.
Showing by open honest communication, being emotionally available (not off with another woman and hiding it from you), taking you around and meeting his family and friends (but it must be a genuine jester not just showing you off to prove some point), in other words you will no when it’s exclusive because he will be in your life and you in his! No question about it!
Michelle
5 years ago“Or you can crack a joke and take some pressure off. Crack a joke and ask him how many numbers he got at the bar with his buddy’s the other night… or how many girlfriends he’s got on his roster.”
Oooo, I like this angle, nice way to figure out if he’s willing to commit.
lilian
4 years agoMy boyfriend sent an sms to me recently that he is passing through some challenges which requires his full attention. So I should give him time to put things to order. He has not been calling as he used to. Please I want to if he is walking out of d relationship or not. Advice me
J
4 years agoLillian, I believe your man is putting you “on hold.” Whether there is another woman or not, he’s put you in a holding pattern until he’s ready to move forward. This is extremely painful for you. I suggest moving forward as if he is not your boyfriend, date others and have fun. By putting your attention back on yourself and showing him you’re not waiting around for him, you value yourself more and will not be a doormat.
tay
4 years agoYes when I was 19 and so new to dating. I had no one to tell me how it worked I went in blind with an open heart. I thought when he wanted to go out with me and he spent lots of tie with e and we kissed that we were automatically exclusive. After all I did not want to see or kiss anyone else.
well imagine my heart break when i ran into him with someone else. I was heartbroken!!!! cried for weeks.
So sad I wish I had had a mother or father who would have prepped me with the dating rules
Cindi
4 years agoI assumed a guy at a group was interested because he started asking questions about whether I planned to remarry, questions about sex, and gave a lot of compliments. He stared at me a lot and said its best to wait with sex. still had his attention, but no dates, texts, or calls. He said I probably wondered about his questions. I asked if he was wanting to know me and the brakes gripped! He stopped staring at me during church, etc. He still is very courteous and even asked me over for sex. I told him it was early for that. I feel like I'm in deep yellow to red and don’t know how this interest died out. Was sex a man-trap I failed? I’m confused!
Mara
4 years agohello,
how to read those signs that are so contradictory. even the calling to say good night or attention jesters? because there are serious relationships with the intuition to explore the situation further and those other warm nice and even sincere casual relationships?…. how to detect and how to break up the pattern of casual dating and be clear about yours and your partner intentions? to confront him or just leave it to see how the situation develops? of if he says that he is not sure that you are the One as yet?
Cathy
4 years agoYes, I did have the talk with a man I met online about being “exclusive” and the word I used was “monogamous”. He said he was ready to be intimate and have sex and I told him that I was interested in that too, but only when he was ready to be monogamous. He said he was ready for it and that he was not a chase around guy, that he was looking for the right person and the only way he could be sure was to be intimate. So, fast forward a few days later, we made love. We both enjoyed it, but I’m sure him more than me as he had some erectile dysfunction going on. He called me every evening and made plans, but mostly for me to come over to his house or go to a not so public place. After a few weeks of this, I told him my needs weren’t being met and that I expected to spend some days together and go out on a “real” date. Prior to this conversation, I just went with it, to see how considerate he really was about me. So, we made a date for Saturday night. I called him Saturday morning and asked him if he would like to change the plans and meet earlier, as my roommate was going to be out for the day and he could come to my place to see it and we could go out from there. He said he had plans. So I asked him what he was doing on Sunday and he said he had plans all day and evening Sunday too. So, I point blank asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said yes, that he had been dating. Imagine how I felt, I was the one who was having sex with him, and he was “dating” other prospects. He quickly clarified that I was the only one he was having sex with. I should be thrilled about that??? He said “monogamous” meant having sex and did not mean “stop looking”. Well, clearly we had different definitions for the word. I cancelled the date with him and let him know I thought he was deceiving not only me, but the other women he was courting as well. Bet he didn’t tell them, he had a side thing going on with me. Crazy thing is that he wasn’t even a great looking guy OR a great lover. Really??? This is your dating pool, girls, age 60 and up.
Jennifer
4 years agoI am very curious to hear what you have to say about a guy who gives a misleading answer to this question. What do you say about a guy who says he wants a monogamous relationship but meets with other women and does not tell you about it? Are there circumstances where a woman should “forgive” a situation like this? I recently found out that my boyfriend of 5 years, we are living together now, was not exclusive in the first two years of our relationship even after the exclusivity talk. What are your thoughts?
queen
2 years agoI met this guy on fb an we got talking and one-thing led to another we started dating.two weeks we started dating we had a little misunderstanding about phone call cuz he called an I didn’t pick-up. Not after 8 months he called and wanted me back. I gave him another chance but he never mentioned anything about wanting to settle down with me. We always make love,hangout an do things together but yet he will tell me to my face that he will get married to a girl from another state cuz we are from the same state. He says he will not get married to a girl from my state.if I ask him for money to take care of myself he will stop calling me n even if I call to remind him,he wood say I sound rude an worst of it all is that he doesn’t bother calling or even chat with me on social media except on weekends he will call for me to come spend weekend with him and its just sex sex sex. I decided to walk out of the relationship an I really feel hurt cuz from the very first day I met him I assumed he was my soul mate n decided its him I will end up with but that wasn’t the case with him. With all this I kept wondering if this guy ever wanted me for keeps?or if at all he ever had it in mind to propose ever?.he even told me one-day that he is not ready for marriage now because he wants to settle his brother first. So I will like to get your advice on this. What kind of person is he?
Posted In Relationship Warning Signs, Warning Signs | 12 comments
We men are simple creatures. We love our women and if we are in love with you, our number one goal is pleasing you.
However we can’t reasonably do that which we don’t know how to do.
Sometimes things need to be spelled out for us.
Sometimes they even need to be spelled out VERY clearly. (As in speak very slowly and repeat as necessary.)
We need to be taught the things that please you (and I really hesitate to use this phrase but here goes!) much like dogs need to be taught the difference between bad behaviors and good.
We are men and we (often) need to be trained. Training us however is not to be confused with changing us, and that I think is where miscommunication often begins and confusion sets in.
Why Do Men Pull Away?A woman can often feel as though her man is pulling away or no longer seems to be that interested in her and sometimes, this results because he is feeling too much pressure to be someone he is not.
As I stated before we men are simple creatures and we love to please our women but the minute we feel you are trying to change us, something shifts internally.
We start pulling away and finding excuses to distance ourselves from you and what we see as a nosedive into a black abyss of misery.
Men have an innate need to be loved truly and deeply for their real selves. Not for the man you want them to be or the man you think they could be… but for the man they really are, right here and right now.
Anything less is like slow suffocation and the death of true happiness.
But how do you show a man you love the real him, flaws and all? Well let’s start by articulating one of the ways you don’t show him you love the real him.
Criticizing and nagging (which go hand in hand together and we talk about quite a bit in GirlGetsRing) is a surefire way to push a man away from you. It shows him that you don’t love the real him. This makes him immediately feel you’re trying to change him by sparking the whole “I like/love you… but I’d like/love you a whole lot more if…” mental loop.
This particular mental loop can be the death of any love or attraction between the two of you, in a very permanent kind of way. What person wants to feel they have to prove something to their mate just to be loved?
If you are constantly criticizing him over his choice of friends or nagging him about his habit of leaving his clothes in the floor, or harping because he smokes cigars (despite knowing full well he smoked when you met him) you begin to morph into someone he wasn’t expecting.
Instead of seeing you as that hot, carefree girl he fell head over heels for on the beach that one night, he suddenly begins to see a chick that looks a lot like… his Mom.
Yikes. Not sexy!
None of this is to say men can’t take criticism; only that there are much more effective ways of getting what you want from a man.
Ways that don’t include nagging or criticizing or making him feel as though you want to change him.
Because what you are really telling him by doing those things is that he isn’t enough, as is.
The real man isn’t cutting it and he’s not living up to your expectations. Talk about wilting the flower.
How To Stop Pushing Him Away…If you’ve ever heard the saying you catch more flies with honey… well honey it is so true!
It may sound strange, but men respond remarkably well to positive language and behaviors (as opposed to criticism and nagging) coupled with refreshingly blunt honesty.
It’s just how we roll. (OK most of us anyway.)
So cut the criticism and nagging and exchange it for the KISS formula, which I explain in-depth GGR. Just be careful because this method is super powerful and if abused can really damage your relationship even more than nagging or criticism can.
But what is this mysterious KISS formula? And how can it help save my relationship?
Simple Technique To Keep a Guy:Tell him what you like or don’t like (this is the refreshingly blunt honesty part). An then tell him how it makes you feel (this is the part where you use positive language and behaviors to do it).
Pretty easy right?
So the high pitched shriek of “Geez, why can’t you just ever take out the garbage without me asking you to?!” turns into something like “Honey, I really love it when you take out the garbage without me having to ask first… it really makes me feel like you appreciate me.”
You might even offer him a kiss as further incentive to continue to “appreciate you”.
As I said before… kind of like dog training.
Positive reinforcement works and it makes a man so much more receptive to actually hearing what you’re trying to say, rather than polarizing him into running screaming in a completely different direction. Thus making you feel as though he’s pulling away from you.
Which he is in fact probably doing, but it’s no doubt a very easily corrected situation, if you’re willing to modify your own behavior too.
In GGR I talk about the KISS formula more extensively and go into some of the ways it can be used effectively, as well as when this formula shouldn’t be used.
So how about you?
Have you found you tend to catch more flies with honey in your relationships? Do you feel like your man is pulling away from you and suspect it could be due to behaviors like nagging? Do you feel he’s pulling away for other reasons?
Or, have you changed things for the better? Remember it might seem unfair sometimes, but change always starts with you.
You have the power to steer your love life in a better direction, so break out that compass!
Tags: how to stop pushing him away, nagging and criticism, pulling away, relationships, stop pushing him away, warning signs, what pushes a guy away, why do men pull away, why men pull away
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adisa ifeoluwa
5 years agoI love this article, so wat re u going 2 do 2 a guy who has gone 2 b wif another lady nthe lady telling u to leave her man alone, and wen u tried sending a txt 2 him he didn’t answer?
Gabrielle
4 years agoA guy occasionally withdrawing is natural, since guys take a lot of pride over their independence. If a guys talks to a rock in the palm of his hand about the girl he loves, rather than talking to the girl, he makes more sense to the rock! When women listen to him in a non-judgmental way, and listen without too much intention to calculate quick responses, he feels far more comfortable. It’s a difficult thing for us to do when we feel so worried, but it works, not only for guys, but for any withdrawal situation with anyone.
The honey thing is interesting because you don’t want to swing too far in becoming a doormat, rewarding his actions of withdrawal and ignoring you. If he does it too often, let him know how it makes you feel – check into if it is coming from a place of your own insecurities or coming from an objective place. Also, let him know how the good things he does make you feel. When guys get complements from you, they will overdo what they feel makes you happy. That’s great.
Helen
4 years agoI have tried the softer approach it still comes up as nagging or trying to change him or making him do something he doesn’t want to do. Usually it comes out at a later date. I find it very frustrating. I do not wish to not notice that things are simply left to be fixed all by themselves. Being ignored for the phone pc or whatever does not make a girl want to cuddle up to you.
What if your man is just plain don’t see it don’t think about type,everything gets pushed aside nothing is ever finished or taken care of including you.
I have a used by date which is quickly pouncing on me. Too old to start again.
Anusha
4 years agoI have met a man I am head over heels in love with. Sex is like heaven. But after a hot passionate
lovemaking he never calls or sms. I think i did something wrong. after a few months he contacts
me. and again i get carried away. when i ask y not contacting after last meeting his excuse is
his very busy with work. but every time he makes love to me and tell me how fantastic im and how much he loves me.
Nikki
4 years agoThis is definitely a good idea!!
Ashley
4 years agoSo me and my boyfriend has been dating for 8 months and he has not told me he loves me. He says he like me a lot and that he misses me when I’m not around. We have talked about building a house together and haveing a family. His even got me talked into a camo wedding dress someday. He take care of me when I have migraines. He also massages my feet when I get home from work and makes me Breakfast in bed. I have fallen so deeply for him and he can’t just say I love you. I tell him his the best bf I have ever had I tell him thank you and I kiss him when he does nice things. I make him home made cookies that he loves and homemade cakes I massage his back if it hurts bc I like to give back for ever thing he does for me. I was wondering y is there not I love you. Do I have to wait longer what’s going on. Do I give up on him.
wendy
4 years agoAnusha…he’s using you. You are a booty call, nothing more.
Eileen
4 years agoI’ve always prided myself that I don’t nag, and I don’t want to ever be the judgemental or critical woman, but I found myself staying shut and eventually would shut down, which is not how I really want to be either. Men have really responded to that side but I know alot of it is because of their past relationships. I also don’t like to be compared.
NOEMI
3 years agoI have no problem getting them to commit. Its the cheating that comes afterwards I cant deal with, so I file for divorce. Now I cant marry they guy that has been waiting for three years. I fear he too will cheat on me and I get hurt again. So i’m avoiding it as long as I can.
mary jo
3 years agoSo how long do you keep doing these things with out any results. I have done this and even got the ring. It wasn’t 2 months later and he broke it off. We were together for 6 years and had every thing in common, great sex and goals. Yes I did flip out when it happened but than just gave him his space and moved on. The problem is I still love him and want him back in my life. It has been 9 months I have only talked to him once and all went well but nothing sense than . Do I just have to put him behind me?
francie
3 years agoMy boyfriend and I have a long distance relationship and love each other very much ,but at times I worry that I cant fully express my true feelings as he gets defensive I always try to reinforce I love him first and foremost but it seems at time he still takes what i'm saying wrong I'm a real sweetheart and love to pamper and care for my partner but how do I know how sincere he is with his feelings I get scared of being hurt please help me and thank you for your time…Have a beautiful day please.
sincerely
francie
Marie
3 years agoLove is hard. I done a lot of dating couch websites. I feel like i am a better person for the insight. Yes i make mistakes. But i find when one door closes another opens. Everyone will heal. Keep an open heart and don't bash your exs when u are with someone else. No one likes to hear that stiuff. I learned that I have to take responsibility for my mistakes too. But i never been abused so i can’t comment about that. I personally have good luck with NON drinkers. But i meet some good friends and i still have friendships with some of my exs. U never know they may do a handy man thing if you need it, So be positive and find something that makes you happy. When you feel lonely. My internet therapy has helped a lot.
Yes i still do stupid stuff. But at least i am aware and try to work on stopping it. Someday someone will come to me and accept me for me. Experienced 50 something lady. Yes dating is great in the 50s. When you have an open heart.
Remember dogs are very loyal. Smile.
Get a nice batch of positive girl friends and have fun.
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